2/18/13 ‘Another bad day today. Can’t shake the feeling that I”m always going to come back this spot. Am I ever going to feel okay about life without the underlying anxiety that brings me to this place? Is there true content that can be found? I go through the everyday motions and see that years have gone by and I’m still in the same emotional state. I mean I’m still fighting and losing to the urge to cut. I know I don’t do it religiously but the fact is I still crave that release. It’s like everything is let go for the small minutes of pain. It’s a reminder that I can feel. The scar only I see reminds me that I can feel something besides dread. I just wish I could find true love of life and peace. I can’t let my past go. That’s my truest problem. Everything that has led me to this point is still a factor of how I live and feel. Shouldn’t I look back and know I’ve come a long way and move on from the past? Why can’t I let it all go?’
I am hesitant to publish this journal entry because it shows glimpses into my dark mind. I constantly fear what others will think and fear their judgment. I don’t want to be treated differently because of what my mind has thought in the past. I know I am a good person. A good person that struggles with her own mindset and acceptance of self. I am working on owning my dark past and accepting it as a part of myself. Trying to find beauty and light in what may seem indescribable to other people. I am proud to say that the craving of self harm is dramatically decreased and barely exists at all at this point in my life. I have worked hard to get to this state of mind and am willing to admit my struggle. I hope the readers of this post will know this.
No self harm can truly take away the pain you feel.
It may be a temporary fix but in reality it only stems out more problems.
The urge comes and goes.
Like any other cravings in life, it will pass. There may be periods where it’s all you can think about and there may be periods where it seems silly to you. Take both in and reflect. Take the good with the bad. Owning the dark side of mental illness can truly lift the weight you carry each day.
Self harm does not mean you are weak.
It is truly amazing to me that I have gone through taunts and bullying due to self harm. Going through high school having peers make sly remarks; how my forearms look ( keep in mind I did not start self-harm behaviors until college), hearing comments of how I was the next to commit the selfish act that so many in school have already done; only fueled my anger and rage. I was in the beginning of my downward spiral of mental health and didn’t even understand what was happening to me, and people labeled me and verbally/emotionally abused me. It was seen as a sign of weakness in their eyes. I am here to say now, screw all of you. I am proud of everything I went through without any help from any of you. I graduated both high school and college, I studied abroad three times, I have a job I love, and am getting my masters degree. I am not weak. I may struggle but that does not make weak. Mental illness should not damn those that suffer from it. I admire those that fight daily not only against society’s stigmas and judgments, but fight everyday against themselves. That is strength. You are strong.