Pardon the rant, but had to get some thoughts out…
That night took so much from me. Things I didn’t even know existed yet, things I didn’t think I needed. It’s a constant haunting, a sickness I carry. My stomach turns, head spins, whenever I think about it. With your superior act I became defenseless, disappointing, a victim. I’m tired of this weight. I live my life day to day constantly worrying about what people around me think. I don’t follow what I want if in any way it could be opposing people’s opinions. I simply trudge through looking for approval. I want to be set free. Free to make decisions without the pit stomach and anxiety thought of what you will think.
Everyone says you can’t live in the past and I get it. But when you were taught at 17 that you had no control over what you wanted, you follow the pattern of asking permission. I’m tired of asking. I want to be doing. I want to do what I want to do, see who I want to see, eat what I want to eat without feeling guilt and shame. Christ I want to be my own person and not live by having approval.
So my goal for this week is to not ask permission once for anything I want to do. Please give me the freedom to change my lifestyle.